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DISGRASIAN OF THE WEAK! Kimora Lee Simmons

We often get letters that go like this:

Dear DISGRASIAN,

What’s so bad about Kimora? She seems like a nice lady. Maybe you should lay off on her… she supports a good cause now, Green diamonds. Maybe she’s turning over a new leaf! You guys are mean. Try going easier on her.

Sincerely,
Smith “My Two Cents” Lee

We love getting feedback. And we love when The Disgraced do things to redeem themselves. But one thing we can’t allow ourselves to do is go easier on DISGRASIAN Hall-of-Shamers when they haven’t done anything to deserve it.

Kimora Lee Simmons had a shot at being cool. She was smart, like book-smart, an honors student that graduated high school on time even while jetsetting across the world as a full-time working model. She’s a mixed-race child, for whom we always have a very soft spot, because it’s hard enough to be Asian (whole, half, eighth, forty-eighth) without people barking down your hole about not being Asian enough or black enough or white enough or whatever enough. Asians are also categorically ricist and awfully hard on our kin of multiple descents. As a kid she was taunted with terrible names, maybe not for being FOBby or flat-chested, but for being ugly and mixed-race and looking like a “Chinky Giraffe.” Her mother was a Japanese war refugee in Korea, which is both sad and heroic, and means that Kimora has the same kind of painful-yet-distant family roots in a war torn mother land that some of our coolest and most interesting friends do. She was a fashion pioneer–one of the first almond-eyed models ever to grace the Chanel Haute Couture runway (something we’re not convinced Coco ever even thought about happening).

But a more Amazian version of Kimora would take that “chinky giraffe” pain and turn it into something meaningful. She would… respond to “chinky giraffe” the way we would, with a big “fuck you” or “wanna see this amazonian ching chong take an inch off your dick?” or a “take your ‘chink’ and shove it up your ricist fucking ass.”

Instead, she’s known for starting senseless fights, for reveling in money-grubbing and excess. And we just think that’s DISGRASIAN.

Has she changed?

I donno, looks like this week she’s called her ex’s new lady a “stupid bitch” for no reason (typical) and just got served by Macy’s for jacking up her prices (to make MORE Benjamins?)… we’re not convinced she’s changed so much.

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Project Disgrunway: Two Perspectives

Oh lawdy have we been experiencing technical difficulties down at DISGRASIAN HQ today. Diana’s interwebz went down, I lost my digital camera AND discovered that I had erased–in a cracked-out haze brought on by my sleep medication–Wednesday’s episode of Project Runway, the subject of this post. Plus, it’s raining in L.A., which always makes me think that something disastrous is right around the corner (car wrecks, mudslides, the ruination of suede boots).

But enough about us and our sucky Friday. We all know that the last Project Runway was sartorial vomit, kinda like the caramel-colored mess my dog yakked up on the living room rug after he ate a big beef bone last night. The designers had to create an outfit for ex-New York Giant running back Tiki Barber to wear on-air at his current job, The Today Show. To guide them in this challenge was Ginny Barber, Tiki’s hot Asian wife who clearly calls the shots in the relationship (he cites the fact that he is pussywhipped, er, I mean, that she has a huge influence over his style, about 800 times during the episode).

The Baller and The Ballbuster: A Love Story


When Ginny entered the design studio to meet the designers, Christian, the pocket (as in you-could-put-him-in-yours) gay got all awestruck and later described the encounter like this:

“In came this faaaaabulous asian woman. Who is so tan and gorgeous. I love Asians. Asians are fierce.”

The next day, I received two very different responses to Christian’s Asian Worship in my inbox.

One was from our friend Jasmine, DISGRASIANista extraordinaire, who wrote: “I was all ‘Dude, YES.’”

That was followed by a missive from one of our best gays, “N”: “There was a DISGRASIAN moment last night when Ginny arrived for some nonsense in the studio, prompting the twerpy Christian (who looks like Road Runner on PCP) to say something mindless like ‘I love Asians!’…the whole notion of fierceness as applied to anything other than giant cats in the wild seems thoroughly bankrupt.”

Of course, we’re inclined to agree with Jasmine and make Christian, despite that tragic asymmetrical haircut, our new BFF. But “N” makes a good point. Perhaps it was more of a disgaysian moment than a DISGRASIAN moment. And, I mean, the pictures don’t lie.


Beep Beep!


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First Ever Michelasian Guide

This month, Michelin released its first ever restaurant guide of Tokyo (and its first in Asia). Unlike other Michelin guides, every restaurant and hotel reviewed in Michelin Tokyo was awarded stars (on a scale of 1 to 3). Now Tokyo has 191 stars, the most in the world.

Out of the 150 restaurants given stars, almost one-third of them are French (44, to be exact). If you’ve ever visited Tokyo, you know how easy it is to get a crusty baguette or a killer croissant, the likes of which you could only find elsewhere in France. Looks like the Japanese are out-Frenching the French.

Which means…we’re taking over everything. Yaysian!

If you think Michelin is synonymous with tires, read this.

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Thanks Jim!

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A Long Time Ago, We Used to Be Friends: Part Two

Last week, we wrote about how we were not really feeling the new and unimproved Kristen Bell, who joined the cast of Heroezzz this season and is the voice of Gossip Girl‘s snarkass narrator. Things were so much better when she was Good Kristen–solving the murder of her best friend, busting her spoiled boyfriend’s balls, and having a slightly-creepy relationship with her father. But Bad Kristen is clearly taking root–here she is on the cover of this month’s Complex:

“Wanna piece of these boomin’ A-cups? Touch my sexxxy bra…it’s padded…heavily. So you’re into girls with no torsos? Then you’ve come to the right place, baby.”

I suppose if I had a dick between my legs, I might be diggin’ Bad Kristen. But instead, I find myself wanting to just hand her a shirt and a mug of hot tea.

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BIRTHDAY CELEBRASIAN!

Happy 22nd Birthday, Filipina bossa nova ingenue Sitti Navarro! May your voice remain as smooth as your skin, and your life as calm as your albums’ sweet and silky beats.

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A HaraGossip Girl Speaks!

“Hey everyone! Nan Zhang here. I play Katy Farkas on Gossip Girl, but you probably know me as ‘the Asian Chick’ or one of the ‘HaraGossip Girls.’ There’s been a lot of talk lately about how Nicole, i.e. ‘the Black Chick,’ and I, well, don’t talk. And people are making that out to be some kind of terrible tragedy. But I’m here to set the record straight and say that we, the HaraGossip Girls, are soooooo stoked to be part of a hit show on the funky fresh CW network, and we really really really love what we do. I mean, look at my face in the photo above, taken from a recent shoot. I am over the moon! I am ecstatic! I could not ask for a better job! My education in neuroscience at Johns Hopkins is totally paying off and helping me to develop Katy into a three-dimensional character! My parents are proud of me, and they’re perfectly content to see me in the background of every shot, they don’t care if I speak or whatever…

…And you should be too. Because I am. Honestly, I’m just happy to be here. So so so happy. Did I mention that I was happy? I’m over the moon. Freakin’ ecstatic. I, uh, I…really and…uh, truly…could not ask for a better job.”

[sounds of sobbing and tearing one's hair out]

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Lap It Up, Grandma

Tila Tequila has never failed to confirm that she has a cache of truly great talents:

1) squooshing her boobs together

2) walking and breathing at the same time

3) laying around



4) inciting disapproval and shame in
my parents, who have never met her, but would give anything to whomp her hand with a chopstick, make her sit in the corner, and rip up her Madonna records

5) pole dancing/lap dancing

She seemed especially eager to confirm her aptitude in the latter during the most recent “meet the parents” episode of A Shot At Love, in which she sought to impress her gal’s family with a cheery lap dance for Grandma:

Wow. Class and Sass, all the way. Oops, I mean ASS AND BLELEGLGHHGHGHGHGHHGG (which doesn’t rhyme, but not even Chaucer could rhyme after witnessing this abomination). I guess I’ll join Jen today and fuggedabout lunch.

Thanks, Tila. Thanks a-fucking lot.

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jRu, you da man!

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ROCK OF ASIAN: Arash

I don’t know about you, but when I think of Snow’s 1993 hit, “Informer,” I get all giddy and nostalgic inside. You can’t summon the energy? Would a photo help?

Ohhhhhh yeah. Those round sunglasses, so low on the nose bridge. That hair! That sullen gaze! And that sultry, smooth Snow voice! OMG. I can’t deal.

Okay, if you’re not feeling it like me, I can’t force you. But I can offer you an exciting new take on the oh-so-good-even-though-it-feels-so-wrong original:

THE BOLLYWOOD VERSION! Fabulous Arash turns the “Informer” tune into “Chori Chori” (Secretly).

Now mind you, the lyrics and the talent may be new and different, but if you just close your eyes and relax, I swear you’ll kinda believe it’s snowing. Just a little bit.

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Thanks, jRu!

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Rivulvsion

Dear Riyo,

I know we’ve given you shit in the past, mostly because you’re hot and you’re Miss Universe and we’re bitchy and a little jealous. But I’ve come around to you. I’ll admit I’ve been watching Pageant Place–and I won’t even pretend that I’ve been doing so “ironically”–and you are my favorite character on the show. Sure, you’re basically mutasian (a mute Asian character often seen on television and in movies), but in this case, it’s a good thing, since all the other beauty queens you’re forced to live with are hysterical crybabies having hissy fits and bitchfights every five seconds (which I watch with pleasure, also unironically). Your silence conveys a certain dignity that I feel your housemates are sorely lacking. You come across as a decent, classy gal.

And hey, I just wanted to tell you, you are rockin’ those new bangs, which you debuted at the Vogue Nippon Women of the Year awards last weekend. But what I can’t for the life of me figure out is why you wore this, this thing:

You do realize, Riyo, that you are wearing a GIANT VULVA on your chest, don’t you?

The “Rivulvsion” dress and Georgia O’Keeffe’s Black Iris


This is not classy. This is not dignified. This is just…ewww.

thinking of you and skipping lunch today,
Jen

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ON THE BOBA RZULTS: TMZzzzzzzz

DISGRASIAN’s jury has reached a verdict on the case of Mistasian Identity committed by TMZ against poor Judge Ito and the attempted coverup that ensued:

And y’all pretty much reached a consensus.

Case closed!

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Kim Jong-Be-Illin’ Junior

Dear Leader Junior


Kim Jong Il has tapped his number two son Kim Jong Chul to be the new vice chief of the ruling Korean Workers’ Party’s Organization and Guidance Department. Guess number one son is a royal fuckup. With the promotion, Junior will be working in the same office as his Pops and is now viewed as a possible successor one day to North Korea’s Dear Leader.

Which brings up a few questions:

1. Will Junior disarm North Korea?
2. Will Junior reunite the North and South?
3. Will Junior solve his country’s famine issues?

And, most importantly:

4. Will Junior be able to…rock his Pops’ infamous porn producer steez like no otha?


Hmm. Feel like something’s missing, although Junior’s bowl cut does scream “perv” to me.

Wait…I’ve got an idea…


Consider my last question answered.

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Thank you Aaron!

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BABEWATCH: Daniel Henney

Name: Daniel Henney

Occupation: Actor and model

Why He’s a Babe: Cuz in a series of commercials the Korean-American Henney filmed with Gwyneth Paltrow, he made her look like a bowl of oatmeal. Cuz he just won Best New Actor at South Korea’s Blue Dragon awards for his role in “My Father.” Cuz, well, for god’s sake, just look at him.

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Thanks Diana!

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