DIANA: [picks up phone] Heeelloooo, House of Pies.
JEN: Whhhaaaat’s up, dude.
DIANA: Good afternoon, Ms. Lady! How are you?
JEN: Not so hot. We killed a bottle of Armagnac last night over the Top Chef Finale. You?
DIANA: I watched it too! I put down about 3 litres of Balvenie just to add some flow to Padma’s awkward live chatter.
JEN: Her hair has never looked better.
DIANA: So true.
JEN: Dude, how psyched are you that Hung won?
DIANA: I jumped up and cheered and had to be calmed! He couldn’t have deserved it more. People have been trying to stuff that guy down all season, but as sure as I am Vietnamese, I knew he could do it.
JEN: Totally. He earned it, and it was really beautiful. Did you hear Todd English’s “Michelin 3-star” comment? I almost cried.
DIANA: Totally, and you know, if he hadn’t won, his entire family would have stopped talking to him completely.
JEN: Oh yeah. He would have been like a batter just after striking out, and nobody in the dugout would’ve even looked him in the eye.
DIANA: So for him, I am psyched that he won.
JEN: Thrilled. I was behind him all along.
DIANA: Me too. As sure as I am Vietnamese, I was. Yeah, he really honored his family traditions by modernizing all those fantastic Asian flavors, without using any stupid words like “Cal-fusion.”
JEN: Okay already.
JEN: Okay, okay, you’re Vietnamese, he’s Vietnamese. I got it.
DIANA: What? What? I’m just saying that Hung and I go together like tender pork, shrimp, and mint leaf in a delicate spring roll.
JEN: Oh my god! You’re out of your mind!
DIANA: Who’s out of their mind? What, are you trying to say that Hung isn’t hot like a fresh, steaming bowl of Pho? And me, by associasian?
JEN: You’re losing some ground here.
DIANA: Ground pork? We use a lot of ground pork. And fish sauce.
JEN: Quit it.
DIANA: Quit what?
JEN: That thing you’re doing.
DIANA: What? [Whistles] We win.
JEN: What did you say?
JEN: Did you just say “We win?”
DIANA: Um, no.
JEN: Yes you did! Yes you fucking did! I heard you!
DIANA: Well, we do win. A Vietnamese dude won Top Chef. He’s the very best. He made Rocco Dispirito twinkle. I win.
JEN: Oh, now you win?
DIANA: What, I’m sorry, I was just thinking about the aromatic qualities of lemongrass.
JEN: You’re out of control.
DIANA: I’m what? I’m out of chili paste?
JEN: I gotta go. I called to talk about Hung.
DIANA: I talked about Hung!
JEN: Uh huh.
DIANA: I’m glad he won! I’m really proud of him! He did our people proud.
JEN: I’m going to ignore that “our people” remark.
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