DISGRASIAN OF THE WEAK! Tila "Drive-Bi" Tequila

October 12th, 2007 | 0 comments | Posted by Diana
Try harder, Tila.

Yeah, yeah. So I loathe Tila Tequila. What else is new? She’s nothing like Jen or myself, which basically means she totally sucks. She tans herself to an inhuman color of orange, has awfully large/fake circus tits, wears every cheap tranny hooker outfit of the spectrum (naughty nurse, naughty schoolgirl, naughty naked person), sports hideous and stupid tattoos, screams verses and choruses of terrible “music,” possesses no actual charisma, and speaks with the weakest public speaking voice I’ve ever heard…

…oh, and is an awful speller–whoops, speler:

…but that stuff has always just kind of annoyed me. It’s never really made me angry. I’ve always reasoned–Nobody’s even paying attention to this girl besides the 19-year olds on MySpace. And ultimately, besides disgracing women and Asians and Asian women, it’s not like she’s truly hurting anyone besides herself…

Jen and I took pains (and trust me, it was painful) to sit through the full hour of Tequila’s new reality shit show earlier this week. With each passing scene, I begged loudly for Jen to turn it off. I have a strong stomach, but that ‘ca was making me straight-up ILL.

We trekked through each mind-numbing minute together, and grimaced and groaned through every poorly-produced second. We just didn’t get it. Part of me wondered: maybe we’re just too old and smart (Toot! Toot!) to enjoy the Lowest Common Denominator humor, or to be watching MTV at all (wasn’t it only “our” MTV in the 80′s and 90′s), right? Was that the real problem?

But something deeper lurked… it bubbled and it boiled within me. I started to find myself getting angry. I was actually, finally angry with Tila Tequila.

Why? Because suddenly I realized that Tila Tequila is a homisogynasian.

What’s a homisogynasian? A homisogynasian is a DISGRASIAN that exploits the incredibly banal, misogynistic hunger for camera-friendly hot lesbo action (usually not acted by actual lesbos) for their own fame and monetary gain. Joe Francis is a wonderful example of a homisogynasian. Tequila is another.

If you haven’t done your homework, A Shot At Love With Tila Tequila is meant to be a groundbreaking reality dating show in which Tila finally comes forth to the world to reveal a sexual secret she’s been hiding from everyone, even her parents. That secret is not that she “likes to get freaky-deaky” or “isn’t a virgin.” It’s that she’s… BISEXUAL!

“I haven’t even told my parents. I’ve only told my agent, my manager, the show’s producers that came up with this idea,
MTV, the producers of the show trailers, the dozens of press people
who have asked me about the show concept, and all of my friends on MySpace.
Oh well, I guess national television is as good a place as any.”

Bisexuality generally refers to people that are sexually attracted to people of both sexes; moreover, people that are romantically interested in people of both sexes. This show promises a “shot at love,” i.e. a relationship with Miss Tequila. She could potentially fall in love and develop a loving, romantic relationship with a person of either sex.

Oh, really? ‘Cause I don’t buy it. I will argue that Tila’s not looking for love with men and women. Rather, she’s an attention whore who knows that guys love it when girls rub their tits together and lick each others tongues wearing see-through short-short jammies. Sure, maybe Tequila’s the kind of girl that can get her jollies from a male or female body part, but lots of people enjoy a diddle–and a diddle is a diddle regardless of who’s diddling. Does this make them bisexual? Does this incline them towards building actual relationships with either heterosexual males or homosexual females? I don’t think so.

I will go so far as to call SHENANIGANS on Tequila. That’s right, SHENANIGANS. I wonder if Tila’s ever had a “girlfriend”–like the kind you buy dinner and spoon with–that she didn’t simply soak up and then peck on the lips on camera to entertain her cheap, pervy male fanbase, i.e.:

… Seems unlikely.

And hrmm… when she did this idiotic “interview” with DISGRASIAN Hall-of-Shamers Bastardly.com, she failed to mention anything about her raging bisexuality when they asked her which celebrity she’d “go lesbian for.”

She did, however, think to choose Angelina Jolie, which is one of those hateful, standard answers that every single straight woman in America loves to chirp. Hell, my mom would probably answer Angelina Jolie. Or one of my sisters, all three of whom are total super-hetero squares with very little imagination in this arena.

I find it terribly convenient that in a desperate bid for her own television show, Tequila’s gay/bi/curious side emerged. And that it would play out in such a way that the activities of the men and women play so heavily into the interests of a young, horny, straight male fanbase than those of the gay/lesbian/bisexual community:

For example, when introducing themselves to Tila, the male contestants are made to bring stupid presents to impress her. We’re talking basic “bro” content here: lame gifts, stupid pickup lines, Tila making digs at their manhood, etc. But all of them men are fully clothed and only humiliated by their own shortcomings.

The females, on the other hand, are instructed to wear whore sexy outfits and strut down a catwalk like pieces of meat for MTV’s straight, horny male viewers Tila to drool over. These being their first moments on screen, I was shocked at how immediately the females are debased. For starters, they’ve been lied to–all of the lesbian contestants were told by producers that they were to be on TV’s first lesbian dating show (one cast member hadn’t publicly outed herself yet and seemed to think this would be a good opportunity). Moreover, they are immediately forced into fulfilling some twisted hetero-male fantasy–oh, no wait, in real life when you get a group of lesbians together, about 90% of them will be of the lipstick variety and all they want to do is get undressed and then git dooowwwn. When does the tit-rubbing begin?!?!! And the licking? Sign me up!

While Tequila rebuffs advances from the male suitors that want to get “freaky deaky” too soon, she shows absolutely no reticence in getting physical with the females, dancing from one to the next as if in a round of duck-duck-goose, and is quick to lay out some well-lit girl-on-girl tongue kisses to titillate MTV’s straight, horny male viewers herself. Listen; I went to college, girls french it out all the time, especially if guys are buying shots. But one tongue-mash does not a bisexual make. And all of this absurdity reeks of bullshit.

I’ll just be clear: Tequila is a total drive-bi, a talentless slutty twat whose interests are tickling the fantasies of virginal teen boys and making a quick buck for herself. I won’t be convinced of otherwise. But I do wonder: What does she think about the dozen or so actual lesbians that she lied straight-faced to, who were duped into thinking that they were going on the first reality dating show for lesbians? Does she feel no responsibility for the fact that they likely set out doing something they thought to be politically noble and instead turned out to be vulgar, perverse, and politically misleading? Is she psyched that young viewers now believe that there is a legitimacy to the idea that sexes can “compete” to best each other in the complicated world of sexuality?

I mean, I guess this must confirm that sexuality is a choice. Thank you, Tequila, for settling this decades-long debate. You’ve brought us so far. We’ve advanced eons. Hell, we can even cancel the gay pride parade this year–it’s almost like we don’t even need it anymore.

So back to watching this pathetic piece of rat poo television with Jen. I was all kiiiiiiiiiiiiinds of riled up.

But then I thought to myself, “Who the Helsinki is going to watch this dung heap? It’s too horrendous. It’s so poorly made. She’s actually really boring aside from her weird midget body and big ol’ boobies, she lacks an honesty in her eyes or a captivating presence, and the supporting characters are for the most part total clowns. This shit will be canceled in no time and nobody could possibly buy into this nonsense. NOBODY is WATCHING.” We called it a day, I left DISGRASIAN HQ feeling like I could’ve used a Prozac, and went to bed feeling empty.

The next day, I read the following tidbit from one of the TV trades:

MTV’s hour-long premiere of A Shot At Love With Tila Tequila Tuesday night (10p) delivered a 2.0 rating among P12-34 and averaged more than 1.8 million total viewers. The debut episode soared even higher with W18-24 viewers at a 4.0 rating and with female teens at a 3.3 rating.

Oh, shit. Guess somebody was watching.

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