October 19th, 2007 | 0 comments | Posted by Diana

Dearest China,

What’s up, dude? How’ve you been? It’s been awhile since we last spoke, but rest assured that we’ve been thinking about you constantly and keeping tabs on your ass.

Not to be all up in your grill or anything, but what’s going on with you right now? Are you like, really busy, or preoccupied or whatever? We totally know you’ve got Olympics on the brain, but we feel like in the meantime you seem to be saying some weird shit and slacking on a lot of your really important duties. And if there’s one thing we’ve learned from our years of knowing you intimately, one should never defect on their duties. Right?

For starters, you poo-poo’d all over the decision to award the Dalai Lama the Congressional Gold Medal this week, with Foreign Ministry spokesperson Liu Jianchao saying that it “severly hurt the feelings” of the Chinese people.

Liu continued:

“China urges the United States to take effective measures immediately to remove the terrible impact of its erroneous act, cease supporting and conniving with the separatist activities of the Tibet independence forces … and take concrete steps to protect China-U.S. relations.”

Geez, is that a threat? Dude, the Dalai Lama is our friend. He is the most peaceful bloke we know–we really respect him, and he gives us hope. We understand how complicated your relationship is right now, but please don’t put us in the middle of that–and please just don’t insult our friend. It’s sour and fucked up, it makes us really uncomfortable, and we’re simply not down with that shit.

Moving on, I don’t know if you’ve noticed, but some really fucked-up shit has been happening under your nose. Do I need to spell them out for you? Okay, D-A-R-F-U-R and M-Y-A-N-M-A-R. Seriously, where the fuck are you?

“I don’t see nothin’!”

You are really the only country with the power to make any real impact in both of these situations, and we feel like you’re just sitting around with your thumb up your ass, thinking of different ways to make the place pretty for all of next year’s tourists. We don’t give a shih tzu about gold medals, dammit! We are sick and tired of this bullshit–namely genocide, oppression, and conflict!

Pay attention! It’s time for you to step up. If you don’t, it will severely hurt our feelings. We severely urge you to take effective measures in saving yourself from our disgrace, so we can be proud to look you in the eye again one day.

Here’s hopin’,
Diana and Jen


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