Candy Ass

October 22nd, 2007 | 0 comments | Posted by Diana

**A note from Diana’s fictional, yet very handsome twin brother**

Hello Masi,

Hi. I’m so glad to finally be writing to you. My sister talks about you all the time, but most of the time I’m zoned out because it sounds mostly like, “blah blah this is ricist” and “blah blah blah why isn’t anyone covering Roethlisberger so that he can fucking pass the ball” or “blah blah blah Lagerfeld is obsessed with young hacks.” She’s incredibly cool and brilliant and has that hot friend Jen and everything, but sometimes I can’t deal.

I don’t watch much TV, and I definitely don’t watch the show you’re on. But after seeing the video above, I’m already convinced that I don’t like or respect you.

I think you might be the most famous Asian TV actor today–it’s incredible that I’ve even heard of you, as I tend to spend most of my days focused on my race for the X-Prize or cuddled up with some Goyard, and my nights trying to make a dent in the list of Michelin-rated restaurants near my loft. Your sudden skyrocketing into the limelight seems fantastic, and it’s always nice to see an Asian person on a magazine cover or on the screen.

Diana mentioned something about your character being a “doughy, Engrish-speaking, childish, dickless clown” the other day. She also said something about “fisting.” I don’t really know what that means, but… anyway, I just don’t really know what that means. I assume, though, that your character must be incredibly banal, and dare I say it–laden with tried-and-true Asian male stereotypes? How unfortunate.

What is guiding my opinion of you, however, is your behavior in this video. This is you being you, behind the scenes in hair and makeup. And while you’re acting as yourself, you are indeed performing; moreover, you’re clowning. You’re going off-the-cuff as a weeping, weak, babyish, unfunny mess. Am I wrong, or did that fellow from Felicity just ask you if your sobs were “Japanese for…”

…For what? Insecurity?

Masi, if Asians in the media don’t take themselves seriously, nobody will. Lacking a punchline and constantly deflating yourself as a male is simply inexcusable. You can’t possibly, truly be like that ridiculous blubbering disaster, can you?

I for one, am an Asian man, that never reverts to clowning for attention. Sure, I was both an academe and an athlete. Yes, I’m incredibly successful. Okay, I’ve gotten laid more times than I’ve brushed my teeth. Fine, I’m handsome, and I’m strong, and I’m cool. I understand that that probably makes things easier for me.

But Masi, please, just try and make it easier for our other brothers, y’know? Not all of them are like me. They need a little help. And they’re looking to you for inspiration. They’re hoping that you set a standard of manhood that is respectable to make their daily lives just a little easier.

Don’t make the punchline you. Or else somebody is going to want to punch you, and I wouldn’t put it past my sis to be that somebody.

Cheers, bro. Good luck.

Seamus “Diana’s Twin” [Last name redacted]

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