Butt Out!

October 15th, 2007 | 0 comments | Posted by Diana
Nicole: That dime slot is lookin’ more suitable for a half-dollar.

Celebrity blogger Just Jared just posted some highlights of Nicole Scherzinger’s recent interview with Blender Magazine, in which she touts her forthcoming solo album, Her Name is Nicole. Even though she’s only partly Asian, I thought I’d help some of you understand what she’s trying to say, lest there be some complications due to the language barrier:

You honestly don’t think that the way the Dolls dress or dance can be described as naughty or raunchy? Never. Never in a million, bazillion, trazillion years. (pauses) Did you see my face? I didn’t even blink.

TRANSLASIAN
: I led a very unhappy childhood.

Are you a fembot? (Like one of the mechanical girls in Austin Powers movies whose only purpose is to give pleasure): No. But I can play that role really well.

TRANSLASIAN
: I have very low aspirations.

On how on-screen crushes are just that: “You get these crushes on guys, and then you meet them and you realize you just loved the role they were playing. Like, who doesn’t love Ryan Gosling after you see ‘The Notebook’? Then you meet the person and you’re like, ‘Huh? What?’”

TRANSLASIAN: I am a total idiot and a worthless celebrity. I am so insecure that I can’t even recognize that Ryan Gosling is our generation’s Brando. Okay, Ryan Gosling wouldn’t screw me. Okay, he would even stand near me at that one party for fear that we would be photographed together. I am a lonely, sad, empty person.

On her solo album release: “I need total focus, total concentration, total centering, because this album is everything I’ve been working for my whole life. You get one chance, and this is my chance.”

TRANSLASIAN: I didn’t write a word on this album and I can’t dance. Please buy my record or else I’ll end up getting fat on a combo of Jamba Juice and Cheese curls, and then I’ll want to slit my wrists. My manager wouldn’t let me put the word “Pussy” in my album title and I think it’ll ruin my career. I am totally freaking out. Look at my ass!

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