Pirates of the Buddhist Prayer Hands

September 7th, 2007 | 0 comments | Posted by Jen

Dear Johnny,

I’m not sure you realize this, but you’ve been my boyfriend for the last 23 years. I loved you from the moment you gave that impassioned speech in the police station in Nightmare on Elm Street. I saw your potential then, even through an itchy blanket I was using to shield myself from Freddie Krueger. I BELIEVED IN YOU. You were THE ONE.

I found you again during your 2-second cameo as a translator in Platoon. How many people even know you were in that movie? I not only loved you then, but I was in love with you. Okay, maybe, in hindsight, I was just grateful that you played the only character sympathetic to the plight of those poor Vietnamese peasants, PEOPLE LIKE ME, the ones whose village your platoon burned to the ground. But gratitude, love…quelle difference at that age?

And then there was Jump Street. Ah, Jump Street. I’m sure you don’t want to relive those three short seasons when you felt like a piece-o’-meat sellout on the best high school/crimefighting drama of all time, but I do. I was willing to overlook the fact that the four of you looked way too old for high school (I knew, because I was in high school at the time), just for the opportunity to be hypnotized once a week by that glorious downturned mouth and that impossibly lofty hair of yours.

I forgave you your other relationships. I suffered through Winona “The Retarded Girl from Lucas? What?!” Ryder, Kate “This is Why Girls Have Eating Disorders” Moss, and even Vanessa “Who the Fuck Is She and Why Does She Always Get to Wear Chanel Haute Couture?” Paradis, your current mistress. I embraced your pretension, your idol-worship of Hunter S. Thompson, your move to the South of France, and the nebulous spiritual persona you cultivated on your long journey to be taken seriously.

And the world, with which I begrudgingly share you, takes you seriously now. Even after you’ve made three movies based on a ride at Disneyland. I predict that you are about 4 years away from an Oscar. A FREAKIN’ OSCAR. Which is why I just don’t understand this:

Why, Johnny? You’re not even in Asia for chrissakes, you’re in Venice. Why do you choose to hurt me so?

I’m not sure I can forgive this.

I thought we were Forever,
Jen

Source Source Source Source

Filed under: , , , , , ,

Leave a Reply

You must be logged in to post a comment.

karatekid

Yo, Is This Racist? Podcast f/t DISGRASIAN Day 5: Everybody Was Kung Fu Fighting

April 26th, 2013 | 0 comments | Posted by Jen

Not all martials arts movies look same.

The cast of HBO's 'Girls'

Yo, Is This Racist? Podcast f/t DISGRASIAN Day 4: Was The HBO ‘Girls’ Controversy About Racism Or Sexism?

April 25th, 2013 | 2 comments | Posted by Jen

Girl talk.

Peter-Beste9

Yo, Is This Racist? Podcast f/t DISGRASIAN Day 3, aka Hump Day: What To Do When Your Friend Likes Racist Music

April 24th, 2013 | 0 comments | Posted by Jen

Should you dump a friend who likes racist stuff?

office space

Yo, Is This Racist? Podcast f/t DISGRASIAN Day 2: Workplace Segregation + A Little History Lesson

April 23rd, 2013 | 2 comments | Posted by Jen

Don’t hate, integrate.

I was trying to give Andrew bunny ears, but I ended up throwing an Asian peace sign instead. Yo, I think that's racist.

Yo, Is This Racist? Podcast f/t DISGRASIAN Day 1: Natural Hair

April 22nd, 2013 | 1 comment | Posted by Jen

Wherein we take all of your racist questions. (Some of them, anyway.)

Photo by Lee-Jin Man/AP

Creepy Photo Of S. Korean Soldier Wielding Machine Gun In Front Of Laughing Children Kinda Sums Up Where We Are At This Juncture

April 18th, 2013 | 0 comments | Posted by Jen

Peace.

2013-03-29-01-01

If North Korea Attacks Us, I Have Just One Favor To Ask God

April 5th, 2013 | 0 comments | Posted by Jen

North Korea is so hot right now.

Screen Shot 2013-02-28 at 11.22.12 AM

Michelle Malkin Desperately Wants To Be Michelle Obama

February 28th, 2013 | 2 comments | Posted by Jen

Wannabe.

Screen Shot 2012-12-05 at 2.52.57 PM

Penn State Sorority Girls Will Work For Weed & Beer

December 5th, 2012 | 6 comments | Posted by Jen

Viva racism!

bfbutt

Intern Jasmine’s Links Of The Daysian: The Ass Pants & Butt-Rubbing Edition

November 30th, 2012 | 1 comment | Posted by jasmine

We here at DISGRASIAN™ are going to use our buying power to buy as many Samsung butt-rubbed phones as we can.

ama_psy_and_hammer_this_one_0

Things I Thought I’d Never See: A Dude Rapping In Korean At The American Music Awards

November 19th, 2012 | 3 comments | Posted by Jen

Gangnam Time? Hammer Style?

dj-twinkie2-blog480

RIP Twinkies, RIP Name Asians Like To Call Other Asians Who Are Less Asian Than They Are

November 16th, 2012 | 5 comments | Posted by Jen

How are we going to insult one another now?!