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DISGRASIAN OF THE WEAK: Myanmar

Just yesterday, Jen wrote about the freaky situation going down in Myanmar, but we can’t seem to think of anything more deserving of double disgrace this week. We’re shaking our heads at the attacks directed at monks and supporters protesting for democracy. As more and more news rolls in about the atrocities occurring in Burma, our collective heart feels heavier and heavier.

We have, in fact, just learned that the Myanmar government has apparently cut off public access to the Internetwhich has thus far galvanized the movement by keeping those associated mobilized, connected, and informed.

Every minute that this continues is a more shameful one. Although it appears that none of our brethren in Burma can read this, you can. Please show your solidarity by wearing red today, and doing more with your time, voice, and resources.

If ever there was a time to speak loudly, this would be it. No big stick required.

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FYIsian

Jet Li Says He, Jackie Chan Too Old to Fight–No shit, Sherlock

Vietnam Develops Taste for Luxury Goods–Gucci Minh City

Japan’s Fukuda Has Approval Rating as High as 59% in Surveys –Hope he doesn’t Fukuda it up!

(Thanks Greenie!)

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A R(ec)ant of Sorts

Don’t you wish your girlfriend was brown like me? Don’t you wish your girlfriend was exotique like me?


I’m pissed at myself. Yesterday, our New York correspondentasian Greenie sent me Jonah Weiner’s excellent excellent disgracial breakdown for Slate of The Darjeeling Limited, “Unbearable Whiteness”, and I thought, fuck, I wish I had written this.

The Darjeeling Limited, Anderson’s latest movie, showcases an obnoxious element of Anderson that is rarely discussed: the clumsy, discomfiting way he stages interactions between white protagonists—typically upper-class elites—and nonwhite foils—typically working class and poor.

…Anderson generally likes to decorate his margins with nonwhite, virtually mute characters: Pelé in Life Aquatic, a Brazilian who sits in a crow’s-nest and sings David Bowie songs in Portuguese; Mr. Sherman in Royal Tenenbaums, a black accountant who wears bow ties, falls into holes, and meekly endures Gene Hackman’s racist jabs—he calls him “Coltrane” and “old black buck,” which Anderson plays for laughs; Mr. Littlejeans in Rushmore, the Indian groundskeeper who occasionally mumbles comical malapropisms…Taken together, they form a fleet of quasi-caricatures and walking punch lines, meant to import a whimsical, ambient multiculturalism into the films.

Bravo, Weiner. You had the balls to say what I wanted to when our Darjeeling Limited ON THE BOBA RZULTS came in but didn’t, because I wanted to buy into the hipster, whimsical, ambient, indie-feel-goodness of it all and be part of the zeitgeist instead of being an angry bitch.

But fuck that. I am an angry bitch. And I hate hipsters. And what I should have said is that Asians aren’t background. We’re not sidekicks and we sure as shit ain’t mute. We will not serve as your local color or flavor cuz you got none. We’re sick of being your “foils” so that you can seem hipper, hotter, and more worldly. And we’ll cut your dick off if you call us exotic.

Angelica Huston and her Rajasthani Girls


Click here to read Jonah Weiner’s “Unbearable Whiteness” on Slate.

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Masturbaisian

Imagine our delight when our South Africasian friend Spice sent us this photo today:


SPICE: Hiya. Found this in a book store.

DIANA: I just puked all over myself.

JEN: Bai Ling is on the cover of…A BOOK?!? Oh god, the world is coming to an end. And Sudoku Master? I can’t imagine Bai being a master of anything. Except maybe shooting a banana out of her vagina.

DIANA: Or shooting a bat out of her vagina. A dusty, old, flying bat.

JEN: Or..WAIT…shooting a vagina out of her vagina.

DIANA: I just puked all over myself. Again.

(Thanks Spice!)

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Wax On, Wax Off, Wax On, Wax Off, Wax On, Wax Off…

Rumors have been flying through the Hollywood grapevine today that Sony will soon be ushering in a re-make of the timeless classic, The Karate Kid, produced through Will Smith’s Overbrook Pictures.

I must tell you, I’m buzzing with excitement. Believe me, I know The Karate Kid(s). All of ‘em.

I was there for the first one, where Ralph Macchio (Italian dude) bests the cocky dudes of the Cobra Kai (bunch of white dudes) in the All Valley Championship for not only title, but honor.

I then came back hungrily for the second one, in which Macchio (still an Italian fella) travels all the way to Japan to takes down a lifetime martial artist on his own turf–for the heart of a soft-spoken Japanese girl.

I even saw the third one–which was a total bomb–in which Macchio (yes, I checked again and yes, he’s still Italian) beats the same White Cobra Kais (now led by an even more sinister white leader, this time with a pony tail) to uphold his title. Although at this point nobody even cared and about 6 people went to see it in the theater.

No matter! The crafty people of Hollywood knew that there was just a teensy bit more money to make on this illustrious franchise. And so they found a sexy new Karate Kid… who wasn’t Asian either. But at least she was a girl, and a future Oscar winner.

So now, I’m ready. It’s our time– We’re Asian! Martial Arts is our bag! Though we’ve been practicing martial arts our whole lives, the only Asian person worth their “wax off” in these movies has been dishonored in his home country by a kid from Reseda. Puhleeze!

So who’s it gonna be? What young, attractive, diamond-in-the-rough Asian kid is going to be the new Kid of Karate?

Oh. Will Smith’s kid, Jaden. Close enough, I guess.

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Emulasian

Looks like somebody’s making a bid for “Korean-style gigolo.”

I must admit, something about it works for me. I certainly prefer it to that “I am a skinny hip hopper” nonsense.

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Nodding Off

In his MTV/MySpace-produced live conversation with “real” people this morning, John Edwards answered some tough questions with meticulously pre-prepared answers about the Iraq war, education, raising taxes and how to improve conditions in the inner-city in a shameless bid to woo voters from the hipper, more bleeding-heart, and blacker Barack Obama.


Edwards did a good job, despite his inexplicable sartorial choice of pairing an extra-long blue blazer with the palest, baggy-yet-tapered jeans I’ve seen this side of the Lumberjack World Championships.

But this post isn’t really about Edwards or inner-city reform or Lumberjack Jeans. It’s about SuChin Pak, who was one of the live forum’s hosts.

Watch the video again. And then you’ll understand why I have this to say to SuChin: you are our Oprah. You are brilliant and you really know how to rock anorexia. And, and…let’s see…your shining talent is…um…uh…you NOD a lot?

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Disgryanmar

In an update on the scary shit going down in Myanmar after tens of thousands of Buddhist monks took to the streets for the last month to support democracy, the U.S. announced today that we are imposing economic sanctions against senior officials in Myanmar’s ruling junta.

“This whole deal down in My-ann-marr really burmas me out.”


Even China, after cockblocking a UN Security Council call for sanctions yesterday, asked for “calm” and “restraint” from the Myanmar government today. As usual, China’s steppin’ up to the plate for the greater good of nobody humanity.

Meanwhile, earlier this morning, Myanmar soldiers raided several Buddhists monasteries and nine people were killed on the second day of the goverment’s crackdown.

For once, DISGRASIAN hopes that Prayer Hands will make a difference.

Click here to learn how you can make a difference, too.

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BIRTHDAY CELEBRASIAN!

Happy 27th birthday, Asashoryu Akinori! You’ve already attained the highest sumo rank of yokozuna, so we wish you continued success and many future smooshings of other large men.

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ROCK OF ASIAN: Adventures in Modern Music Festival

Dear DISGRASIAN friends in Chi-town–get yr asses down to The Empty Bottle tonight for five days of nonstop, avant-garde, indie-rawkousness. The full lineup of the fifth annual Adventures in Modern Music fest can be found on Pitchfork, but September 30th is the date not to miss, when Japanese metal gods Boris, psychedelic guitar legend Michio Kurihara (who played on Boris’s most recent and critically-acclaimed record), and Damon and Naomi (of Galaxie 500 fame) will all perform. Kurihara will be doing double duty, playing solo and with Boris, whose video “Furi” is featured here:

Chi-town, I expect nothing less than for you to rock out with yr cock out!

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How to Not Ann Curry Favor

Diana and I haven’t really decided how we feel about Ann Curry. I find that when she’s doing interviews, I’m always more distracted by the color and quantity of lipstick she’s wearing and her mysteriously unlined face (she’s mos def using Anti-Asian cream and, I imagine, Nicole Kidman’s derm). She’s also a robot, and, as you all know by now, we kinda dig robots. Click the screen grab from this morning’s Today Show of Ann doing the robot dance:

Ann Curry busts a move!

One the one hand, we admire how game she is. And yes, we would kill for that bod. But on the other, homegirl’s got NO RHYTHM to speak of.

(Thanks jRu!)

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Nerd Eliminasian

I like to believe (because it’s true) that Asians excel at everything.

If you’re going to be a genome researcher, be the very best researcher. If you’re going to be a concert violinist, be the the very best concert violinist. If you’re going to be a blogger, be the very best blogger (hee!)–do you what you do, and do it well.

Oh, and one more thing: if you’re going to be the one repreznt’n Asian smarty-pants-nerd on the 4th season of Beauty and the Geek, be the best damn Geek in the bin, NOT THE FIRST ELIMINATED. And when you are eliminated from the cast of what is really just a CW-low-concept-reality-show, DON’T CRY LIKE A LITTLE BITCH.

I’m talking to you, Tony:

Tony, I want to like you. You’re a nerd (DISGRASIAN actually really loves nerds). You love science (science is hot). You’re not just any medical student, you specialize in Biomedical Engineering with a concentration in Chemical Engineering (which is basically just a tongue-twister to us). You collect historic medical books and play Chinese Chess. That shit is brainy and weird and mildly eccentric, which is awesome. It’s all very, very cool.

So embrace it! Own it! You don’t need a stupid reality show to get laid. You can get laid all on your own. You just need to make a few improvements.

First of all, stand up straight. Secondly, stop tucking in your t-shirt, and never wear exercise pants if you aren’t exercising. While you’re at it, feel free to exercise more. Next, realize that you have a penis and act like it. You’re studying at Johns Hopkins University right now– introduce yourself to my friend Young, who is a medical professor there with a Princeton English Degree and a Medical PhD and is possibly the coolest and sexiest brainiac alive–and get some lady-baiting tips.

Lastly, stop selling yourself and your brothers as dickless dorks that don’t know Vanilla Ice from Eminem or up from down or eunuch from Munich. You’re better than that.

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