Steely McShameful

August 9th, 2007 | 0 comments | Posted by Diana
The Immaculate Reception – My family loves perfection

My parents, according to all witnesses, have never done anything wrong. They’ve got nothing to be ashamed of–no drunken and debauched nights on the town, no downhill drug spirals, no unclaimed babies, nary a B+ on a school exam to speak of. I suppose it’s hard to slippery-slope down into Loserville when you’re hopping a boat out a war-torn country to raise your family in the States… but they’ve done a pretty good job of keeping it up since then. No speeding on the freeway. No late payments on the house. No dust marks on the car. Hell, I think the only thing they’ve ever really had to be ashamed of is ME (Hi, Mom!).

Growing up in my family, it was important (as it is to all Asian families) to be honorable.

The ways to do this:

  1. Get straight A’s.
  2. Never leave the house with your hair uncombed.
  3. Never gesticulate or dance wildly while standing in a public place; people will think you’re crazy.
  4. Do not get detention.
  5. Practice piano, and play on demand when aunts and uncles visit. Play better than the cousins.
  6. Don’t even think about getting married before completing medical school.
  7. Do not get pregnant without being married.
  8. Do not have sex with boyfriends.
  9. Do not have boyfriends.
  10. And most importantly… be a Steelers fan.

The Steelers thing comes from a very aggro family fanaticism associated with the Steel Curtain era of the ’70s. If you belonged to the family, you subscribed to the beliefs. It came with tacit tenets like “When questioning one’s existence, thou shall always refer back to The Immaculate Reception for guidance” and “Thou shall not speak ill of Franco Harris” and “Thou shall not spill grape jelly on one’s official Steelers bomber jacket that cost $78.”

So it is with very, very heavy heart that I must now announce a terrible, terrible occurrence for all of the world’s Steelers fans:

Our new official mascot is named STEELY Mc-fuckin’-BEAM. And he looks like this:

Sure he looks uncannily like Bill Cowher, but his name is Steely Mc-fuckin’ BEAM.

This is a very dark time. Every Steeler fan has something to be ashamed of.

And that includes YOU, Mom and Dad! Take THAT!!!!!!!!!!


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