August 28th, 2007 | 0 comments | Posted by Jen

Did you guys buy Michael Vick’s apology?

I was strangely moved by it, but I have PMS (guys who are reading this, don’t you dare go, “ewwwww”). Vick did say a few things that gave me pause, which I have chosen to address with the following:

The Ballers’ Guide to Public Speaking

1) DON’T speak about yourself in the third person. Jen’s had enough of this. Jen understands that “Scottie Pippen,” for example, is a brand, but Jen says you sound mentally ill when you talk that way.

2) DON’T say you’re taking time off to spend it with your family. That is always code for “I’m taking time off to weigh my multimillion dollar offers” or “(Insert name of present team) didn’t give me enough cashish” or “I want to be an a-hole like Roger Clemens and not have to travel with my team and do that boring shit like practice and warmup and I want to get flown private everywhere while sucking as much money as possible from the owners and sucking on the mound, cuz I’m old.”

3) DON’T suddenly “find Jesus” in crisis. If Jesus is your thing, cool. But Jesus is not a lucky penny. You don’t just suddenly find him on the sidewalk one day while you happen to be getting sued by your wife for wifebeating or while you’re awaiting sentencing for dogfighting. That is bullshit.

4) DON’T say your wife beats you because you don’t want to pay her half in the dee-vorce. Not naming any names here Jason Kidd, but really, dude, that’s not even plausible, especially when you, Jason Kidd, have already been rung up on wifebeating charges, okay?

5) DON’T become absurdly modest. It’s one thing to give credit where credit is due, but don’t say stuff like “We’re just a team. I’m a team player. I don’t care about my individual stats, I just care about the ‘W’.” Again, bullshit.

6) DO give a shout-out to Moms or Grams at any given opportunity. “Hi Mom! Love ya! xJen”–how easy was that? Want people to like you? Be good to your Mom. Or, at the very least, do it while the cameras are rolling.

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