SPORTS ILLUSTRASIAN: All Apologies

August 28th, 2007 | 0 comments | Posted by Jen

Did you guys buy Michael Vick’s apology?

I was strangely moved by it, but I have PMS (guys who are reading this, don’t you dare go, “ewwwww”). Vick did say a few things that gave me pause, which I have chosen to address with the following:

The Ballers’ Guide to Public Speaking

1) DON’T speak about yourself in the third person. Jen’s had enough of this. Jen understands that “Scottie Pippen,” for example, is a brand, but Jen says you sound mentally ill when you talk that way.

2) DON’T say you’re taking time off to spend it with your family. That is always code for “I’m taking time off to weigh my multimillion dollar offers” or “(Insert name of present team) didn’t give me enough cashish” or “I want to be an a-hole like Roger Clemens and not have to travel with my team and do that boring shit like practice and warmup and I want to get flown private everywhere while sucking as much money as possible from the owners and sucking on the mound, cuz I’m old.”

3) DON’T suddenly “find Jesus” in crisis. If Jesus is your thing, cool. But Jesus is not a lucky penny. You don’t just suddenly find him on the sidewalk one day while you happen to be getting sued by your wife for wifebeating or while you’re awaiting sentencing for dogfighting. That is bullshit.

4) DON’T say your wife beats you because you don’t want to pay her half in the dee-vorce. Not naming any names here Jason Kidd, but really, dude, that’s not even plausible, especially when you, Jason Kidd, have already been rung up on wifebeating charges, okay?

5) DON’T become absurdly modest. It’s one thing to give credit where credit is due, but don’t say stuff like “We’re just a team. I’m a team player. I don’t care about my individual stats, I just care about the ‘W’.” Again, bullshit.

6) DO give a shout-out to Moms or Grams at any given opportunity. “Hi Mom! Love ya! xJen”–how easy was that? Want people to like you? Be good to your Mom. Or, at the very least, do it while the cameras are rolling.

Filed under: , , , , , ,

Leave a Reply

You must be logged in to post a comment.

karatekid

Yo, Is This Racist? Podcast f/t DISGRASIAN Day 5: Everybody Was Kung Fu Fighting

April 26th, 2013 | 0 comments | Posted by Jen

Not all martials arts movies look same.

The cast of HBO's 'Girls'

Yo, Is This Racist? Podcast f/t DISGRASIAN Day 4: Was The HBO ‘Girls’ Controversy About Racism Or Sexism?

April 25th, 2013 | 2 comments | Posted by Jen

Girl talk.

Peter-Beste9

Yo, Is This Racist? Podcast f/t DISGRASIAN Day 3, aka Hump Day: What To Do When Your Friend Likes Racist Music

April 24th, 2013 | 0 comments | Posted by Jen

Should you dump a friend who likes racist stuff?

office space

Yo, Is This Racist? Podcast f/t DISGRASIAN Day 2: Workplace Segregation + A Little History Lesson

April 23rd, 2013 | 2 comments | Posted by Jen

Don’t hate, integrate.

I was trying to give Andrew bunny ears, but I ended up throwing an Asian peace sign instead. Yo, I think that's racist.

Yo, Is This Racist? Podcast f/t DISGRASIAN Day 1: Natural Hair

April 22nd, 2013 | 1 comment | Posted by Jen

Wherein we take all of your racist questions. (Some of them, anyway.)

Photo by Lee-Jin Man/AP

Creepy Photo Of S. Korean Soldier Wielding Machine Gun In Front Of Laughing Children Kinda Sums Up Where We Are At This Juncture

April 18th, 2013 | 0 comments | Posted by Jen

Peace.

2013-03-29-01-01

If North Korea Attacks Us, I Have Just One Favor To Ask God

April 5th, 2013 | 0 comments | Posted by Jen

North Korea is so hot right now.

Screen Shot 2013-02-28 at 11.22.12 AM

Michelle Malkin Desperately Wants To Be Michelle Obama

February 28th, 2013 | 2 comments | Posted by Jen

Wannabe.

Screen Shot 2012-12-05 at 2.52.57 PM

Penn State Sorority Girls Will Work For Weed & Beer

December 5th, 2012 | 6 comments | Posted by Jen

Viva racism!

bfbutt

Intern Jasmine’s Links Of The Daysian: The Ass Pants & Butt-Rubbing Edition

November 30th, 2012 | 1 comment | Posted by jasmine

We here at DISGRASIAN™ are going to use our buying power to buy as many Samsung butt-rubbed phones as we can.

ama_psy_and_hammer_this_one_0

Things I Thought I’d Never See: A Dude Rapping In Korean At The American Music Awards

November 19th, 2012 | 3 comments | Posted by Jen

Gangnam Time? Hammer Style?

dj-twinkie2-blog480

RIP Twinkies, RIP Name Asians Like To Call Other Asians Who Are Less Asian Than They Are

November 16th, 2012 | 5 comments | Posted by Jen

How are we going to insult one another now?!