Shaq Speaks Two Dialects

August 15th, 2007 | 0 comments | Posted by Jen

Shaquille “Ching-Chong” O’Neal shall hereby be known as Shaquille “Ka-Ching-Chong” O’Neal. The aging, creaky-kneed, formerly dominant center is on a 5-day promotional tour of China sponsored by Li Ning, a Chinese sportswear company with which Shaq has a low-rent not Nike age-appropriate shoe deal. During which time he has talked up Chinese players Yao and Yi and promised the former a wedding present (24 inch rims…how very 2002). Here he is, pictured in native dress:

I believe the character he’s holding in his hand is Chinese for “douchetard.”

Ka-Ching-Chong also posed with some young Chinese basketball players, who were thrilled to meet the donezo superstar.

KIDS: LeBron LeBron LeBron LeBron!!!

SHAQ: Hey children! Ni hao…uh…I forgot the rest.

KIDS: Wait. Who the fuck are you? Where’s LeBron?!? They said LeBron was coming! This is bullshit!!! We want LeBron! We want LeBron! We want LeBron!

SHAQ: (to photographers) Hehehe. Kids these days. (to kids) I’m Shaquille O’Neal, you know, the Big Aristotle, the General, Shaq Diesel…Shaq Fu?

KIDS: Never heard of you. We want LeBron.

SHAQ: Well you’re stuck with me.

KIDS: You’re fat and old. LeBron speaks Mandarin, what can you do?

SHAQ: Well, I speak your language, too. Ching-chong-yang-wah-ah-soh!

KIDS: Dude. We are eye-level with your nuts. Do that again, and we will tear them off and grind them to dust. Understand?

SHAQ: Duly noted.

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