OK! Magazine has released a number of
staged awkward zzzZzZZexclusivezzZZZzz and zzZZznewsbreakingzzZZZzZzz rehab photos of Lindsay Lohan doing something unfamiliar: pretending to read a book.
Why do all of the celebutards do this? They act like they know how to read and write, almost as if they know which direction their eyes should travel over text:
Here’s the thing. I knew their kind in high school– they flirted with the Biology teacher, copied History outlines off of skinny boys, and celebrated–CELEBRATED–when they got a B (even those scarred with a “-”) on a test. Worst of all, as a reward for their mediocrity, their parents doled out money for infrequent A’s, and let them go out with their friends on the weekend even if they hadn’t finished their homework. All while I had my ass parked on a desk chair in my bedroom, staring at my Calculus homework and listening to The Jam, hoping to God I wouldn’t ever receive a “Most Improved Student” award because to my parents it represented once-upon-a-time failure. I knew my weekends sucked. I knew my life sucked. It took me years, well after buying my “Honk If You Love Pynchon” bumper sticker, to realize that something else sucked too: these effin’ bitches.
I leave their shit to them: they can keep their exposed poontangs, and their mug shots, and their multiple DUIs, and their ugly Kitson dresses, and their fluctuating weight, and their mind-bogglingly stupid interview bites.
So just leave me and my books alone.
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