Happy Independence Daysian – Part II

July 5th, 2007 | 0 comments | Posted by Diana

Welcome back to Great Amazian-Americans in History, a two-part timeline. This just happens to be part two!

Picking up where we left off:

WU YOU CALLIN’ A HO?

1936. Physicist Chien-Shiung Wu arrives in the USA to pursue her Ph.D. at UC Berkeley. With achievements like aiding the discovery of beta decay laws, serving as the first female President of the American Physical Society, earning the 1975 Scientist of the Year Award, and becoming the first female instructor in the Physics Department of Princeton, she earns popular nicknames like “First Lady of Physics,” “Madame Curie of China,” and “Madame Wu.”

Though she never documents the phrase “Girl Power” in her research notes, insiders argue that she once spelled our “My ladiez and I rool” in lights against the side of a mountain while tripping on Acid during spring break.

SEX TOY

1939. Noel Toy, born Ngun Yee, becomes America’s first Chinese exotic dancer. Using ostrich plumes and fans, she wows sold-out audiences from coast to coast to prove to the world that fiery little Asian girls can be just as bootylicious as any other scandalous American woman. After segueing into acting, she eventually gives up Hollywood in protest of perpetuating the “Ornamental Oriental” stereotype.

Her legacy lives on, though some of her descendants get her message mixed up. Tila Tequila, (our “modern day exotic dancer”) for example, also undresses to prove a point. However, nobody knows what Tila’s point is.

WEI-LIFTING CHAMPION

1948. Richard Tom takes the Olympic Bronze Medal in Men’s 59 kg Weightlifting, never once letting on his disbelief that he is the tallest man on the winner’s stand.

IMAGINE ALL THE ASIANS

1969. Yoko Ono breaks up the Beatles. JUST KIDDING!

John Lennon and Yoko Ono tie a very peaceful knot on March 20 of this year. While most people in the world spend the day cursing the musician/artist for homewrecking a perfectly good Lennon marriage and, oh, somehow splitting up the world’s greatest band, every Asian woman in the world secretly celebrates that one of The Fab Four married “one of us.”

ENTER THE BADASS

1972. Bruce Lee, the greatest martial artist of all time, stars in his first Hollywood film: Fists of Fury. The world is captivated by his incredible fighting skills, compelling screen presence, beautiful face, and cucumber-cool demeaner. Meanwhile, a generation of Asian-American kids finally feels empowered to stand up to school bullies–though not without flicking their nose and motioning with one hand for those assholes to come closer.

OH MAYA GOODNESS

1981. At the tender age of 21, architecture undergraduate Maya Lin wins a public design competition for the Vietnam Veterans Memorial. After the cut stone masonry is unveiled in 1982, hundreds of millions of visitors touch the etched names to remember American efforts in the epic conflict.

CHANG IS ON THE HORIZON

1989. Only 17 years old, professional tennis player Michael Chang becomes the youngest-ever male winner of a Grand Slam singles title by winning the French Open.

Record numbers of dollars are spent by Asian parents this year on tennis lessons for their children, accompanied by the repeated phrase, “Michael Chang practices every day.”

ANY YAHOO COULD DO IT

1994. Computer geek Jerry Yang and his Stanford buddy David Filo found a little web company they call Yahoo! as a way to keep track of their interests on the World Wide Info-net. $22 billion or so later, Yang tells all of his high school enemies to “kiss his sweet yellow ass.”

‘BOUT DAMN TIME
2007. Diana and Jen join forces to make their hateful tirades on disappointing peers public–DISGRASIAN is born. The planets align, everyone in the world feels a tickle in the ether, and thousands of pandas across the planet sigh with joy. The ladies’ goal: to honor their Amazian predecessors by providing snarky commentary on world culture. Or rather, to “tear shit up.”

Great job, everybody!!!

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