Asian Fixasian

July 13th, 2007 | 2 comments | Posted by Diana

Lauren Gottlieb, one of the finalists of So You Think You Can Dance? gushed to the camera last night about her “alter-ego,” that of an Asian girl named “Misha Chan.”


Here’s the highlight:

“Lately I’ve kinda chopped up my hair and kinda looked more Asian and had a million people ask me if i was Asian, so I kind of… made this Asian identity, named Misha. I actually go into auditions sometimes and change my name on the top from Lauren Gottlieb to Misha Chan. And go audition [laughs]!”

(And no, I’m not going to even get into the Ching Chong music the SYTYCD producers tacked on in the background of her backstory package.)

So.

Um.

Lauren…er…Misha.

Well, you can definitely dance. I will give you that.

But um…

Girl, WHAT? What are you doing? I know that this alter-ego thing is supposed to be some imitative kind of flattery, but…HUH? You can’t just chop off your hair and make up some whack name and pretend to be one of us at auditions. You just can’t.

Why? Because it’s creepy.

Why? Because you have too much booty to be Asian.

Why? Because we’re not named “Misha.” Our parents named us Sandy and Michelle and Jenny and Annie and Caroline and Lisa. Nobody knows an Asian girl named Misha. For the record, Mischa should be spelled “Mischa” like Barton, while “Misha” just looks like a half-assed knock off of “Mochi.”

Why? Because you’re a spaz, and people like you should only be referred to as “Love” or “Angel” or “Music” or “Disgrasian.”

Why? Because to be Asian requires just a tad more than a fucked-up haircut and a four-letter last name. It’s hard. It requires being flat-chested your whole life. It requires twenty or so years spent disappointing your parents unless you become the top student at your Tony medical school, and shaming your ancestors if you don’t marry well. It means being called Nip, Chink, Charlie, Gook, Slit-eye, Chinaman, and Jap, even by people that don’t have all their teeth or brain cells. It means strangers remarking at how wonderfully you speak English, even if you were born in Nebraska. It’s about having hair that won’t curl, knees that look like sausages, fucked up little teeth, and eyelids that look like shit with too much smoky shadow. It’s about being good at math, or conversely not being good at math and being considered a total failure. It’s about laughing awkwardly when kids at school chant, “Chinese, Japanese, Dirty Knees, Look at These.” It’s about always being compared to Lucy Liu, even if you don’t have freckles or teardrop eyes. It’s about college boys asking you if your vagina is sideways and meaning it. Do you read me? This shit is REAL.

Now, please understand that this comes from a girl who has memorized a hundred words of Hebrew, cooked a lotta latkes, and lit many a candle for Shabbos in an attempt to be loved as a Jew. It’s a very delicate dance, racial drag. Believe you me.

My advice… hang out with some Asians. Eat some Asian food (Jonathan Gold can point you in the right direction). Love yourself some Asian men (they’re so hot, why not?). Try a little bit of this and a little bit of that–ALL OF THIS before going on national television to introduce Misha Chan. Because Misha Chan is a DISGRASIAN.

(Thanks, Rachel!)

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2 Responses to “Asian Fixasian”

  1. TZ says:

    You girls are hilarious, and spot-on! Love, love, love!

  2. Erick says:

    Why? Because if you’re an Asian guy, white boys come out of the woodwork and expect you to pimp out their sisters, cousins, etc.

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