DISGRASIAN OF THE WEAK: Paris Fuckin’ Hilton

June 8th, 2007 | 0 comments | Posted by Diana

(Transcript from conversation overheard at DISGRASIAN HQ earlier today)

DIANA: Good morning, Jen!

JEN: What? WHAT? I can’t hear you over the din of these fucking news helicopters!

DIANA: WHAT DID YOU SAY? [to the assistant, Nicolai] Nicolai!!! Why the hell won’t these helicopters stop flying overhead!?

NICHOLAS: [bitchily] My name is Nick.

JEN: BITCH, ANSWER THE QUESTION!

NICHOLAS: [bitchily] We’re in the Hollywood Hills. All those dishy news copters want to get a peek of Paris riding in a cop car to court.

DIANA: Oh Jesus H. Christ! Nicolaya, please get Jen The Times and me some earplugs.

NICHOLAS: [bitchily] Whhhhatever. [goes to fetch the paper and wadded up toilet paper for Diana's ears]

DIANA: [stuffing ears with TP while squeaking open her laptop] Ahhhhhh. So what’s going on today?

JEN: Missile test in North Korea. Riot in China. Putin offered the US a joint missile plan.

DIANA: Mmm hmm.

JEN: Did you hear what I said?

DIANA: Mmm hmm. Yep.

JEN: Putin, dude.

DIANA: Totally. Totally. That’s hot, Jen.

JEN: What…did…you…say?

DIANA: Whaaaat?

JEN: WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU READING, DIANA?

[Jen sees...]


JEN: Diana.

DIANA: [snapping out of a daze] Oh my god, Jen. I’m sorry. I’m sorry.

JEN: What happened to you?

DIANA: I don’t know, you know, it’s like, I clicked on the first headline I saw on CNN. And… And… It was a piece about Paris going to court. And then I started to think, you know, in many ways, she’s like one of us! Like those dogs, all those little dogs. She dresses kinda like Bai Ling. She’s a terrible driver! She loves soft cuddly things. Dude, she loves Hello Kitty!

JEN: Diana, she calls it “hello pussy.”

DIANA: No, look!

[Shows Jen...]


JEN: Oh, for crying out loud.

DIANA: Jen! Look, with her eyes closed, she even kinda looks like…

JEN: Don’t say it! Don’t you fucking say it!

DIANA: …an Asian.

JEN: [charges over to Diana and slaps her repeatedly in the face] WHAT’S COME OVER YOU?? DON’T YOU UNDERSTAND HOW WRONG YOU ARE?

DIANA: Ow. Ow. Ow.

JEN: Paris Hilton is useless. First of all, she could not be less Asian. She sits with her legs spread. She did not succeed in school. She repeatedly dishonors her family name.

DIANA: Oh man. So true.

JEN: More importantly, she represents a huge societal low. She’s known for nothing honorable. Her legacy of failing upward and being famous for nothing but exposed genitals is PATHETIC. No one should care about her and yet everyone can’t stop hearing about her. Her existence precludes 99% of the population from knowing what’s going on in the real world at all times. She’s a cockroach. She is shameful. She’s a DISGRACE… to ALL RACES.

And because of her, these stupid helicopters won’t stop ruining my morning latte on the DISGRASIAN patio. Do you understand?

DIANA: [shuddering] Oh my god… yes… oh my god… Ech, I was so…so brainwashed for a moment there.

JEN: It’s okay. You’ll be okay. [To Nicholas] Nickolojawan, bring Diana a cool cloth for her head.

NICHOLAS: [bitchily] Ughhh! Fine.

JEN: Diana, maybe what you need to do is declare Paris Hilton DISGRASIAN OF THE WEAK, and think about what you’ve said today.

DIANA: You’re right, Jen. You’re so, so right.

Source Source

Filed under: , , , , , , ,

Leave a Reply

You must be logged in to post a comment.

karatekid

Yo, Is This Racist? Podcast f/t DISGRASIAN Day 5: Everybody Was Kung Fu Fighting

April 26th, 2013 | 0 comments | Posted by Jen

Not all martials arts movies look same.

The cast of HBO's 'Girls'

Yo, Is This Racist? Podcast f/t DISGRASIAN Day 4: Was The HBO ‘Girls’ Controversy About Racism Or Sexism?

April 25th, 2013 | 2 comments | Posted by Jen

Girl talk.

Peter-Beste9

Yo, Is This Racist? Podcast f/t DISGRASIAN Day 3, aka Hump Day: What To Do When Your Friend Likes Racist Music

April 24th, 2013 | 0 comments | Posted by Jen

Should you dump a friend who likes racist stuff?

office space

Yo, Is This Racist? Podcast f/t DISGRASIAN Day 2: Workplace Segregation + A Little History Lesson

April 23rd, 2013 | 2 comments | Posted by Jen

Don’t hate, integrate.

I was trying to give Andrew bunny ears, but I ended up throwing an Asian peace sign instead. Yo, I think that's racist.

Yo, Is This Racist? Podcast f/t DISGRASIAN Day 1: Natural Hair

April 22nd, 2013 | 1 comment | Posted by Jen

Wherein we take all of your racist questions. (Some of them, anyway.)

Photo by Lee-Jin Man/AP

Creepy Photo Of S. Korean Soldier Wielding Machine Gun In Front Of Laughing Children Kinda Sums Up Where We Are At This Juncture

April 18th, 2013 | 0 comments | Posted by Jen

Peace.

2013-03-29-01-01

If North Korea Attacks Us, I Have Just One Favor To Ask God

April 5th, 2013 | 0 comments | Posted by Jen

North Korea is so hot right now.

Screen Shot 2013-02-28 at 11.22.12 AM

Michelle Malkin Desperately Wants To Be Michelle Obama

February 28th, 2013 | 2 comments | Posted by Jen

Wannabe.

Screen Shot 2012-12-05 at 2.52.57 PM

Penn State Sorority Girls Will Work For Weed & Beer

December 5th, 2012 | 6 comments | Posted by Jen

Viva racism!

bfbutt

Intern Jasmine’s Links Of The Daysian: The Ass Pants & Butt-Rubbing Edition

November 30th, 2012 | 1 comment | Posted by jasmine

We here at DISGRASIAN™ are going to use our buying power to buy as many Samsung butt-rubbed phones as we can.

ama_psy_and_hammer_this_one_0

Things I Thought I’d Never See: A Dude Rapping In Korean At The American Music Awards

November 19th, 2012 | 3 comments | Posted by Jen

Gangnam Time? Hammer Style?

dj-twinkie2-blog480

RIP Twinkies, RIP Name Asians Like To Call Other Asians Who Are Less Asian Than They Are

November 16th, 2012 | 5 comments | Posted by Jen

How are we going to insult one another now?!