May 9th, 2007 | 0 comments | Posted by Jen

The Sports Round-up for Round-Eyes, Slant-Eyes, and Everyone In-Between

1. A Day Late and a Dollar Short
This is the theme of today’s Sports Illustrasian edition, because I meant to post yesterday but had my head too far up the fashism industry’s asshole. We’ve got so much to talk about…why don’t we start with the NBA? The first round of playoffs is over, so it’s time to review who came up short, why, and what needs to happen in the off-season.

a) Booyao!
Just look at that sad mug. Yao and T-Mac put up a good fight, but the Rockets simply didn’t have enough “O” against the Utah Jazz. My anxiety? The era of dominant center-basketball is almost done-zo. The next wave is all about speed–look at Phoenix, Golden State, Chicago, Cleveland (well, mostly LeBron), and even Detroit.

Off-season Priorities: Shopping for a third-scoring option. Running with cheetahs.

b) Rhymes with “Shitzki”
Dear Dirk, Love your game, and that you’re proof there a few white men left in the world who can jump, but, seriously, you choked in Game 6. Finishing 2-for-13 with eight points in an elimination game against the 8TH SEED? How do you say disgraceful in German?

Off-season Priorities: Polishing his MVP trophy while learning the English-language idiom, “in the clutch.”

c) Beef Boy Basketball

Off-season Priorities: Acquiring teammates who know how to win. Acquiring a winning personality. Fah-reaking out as LeBron James blows up even more. Sulking.

2. Black or Green or Purple or Yellow or Whatever, The Schillster’s Always Good for a Soundbite
Yesterday morning on the radio, Curt Schilling ripped Barry Bonds for taking ‘roids, cheating on his wife and sullying the game of baseball. When asked about the racial divide among those who believe Bonds is a juicer and those who don’t, the Schillster said, “…I don’t care that he’s black, or green, or purple, or yellow, or whatever. It’s unfortunate.”

After getting ripped himself by the media, the Schillster apologized to Balco Barry on his personal blog, Oh please. At least he had the balls to say what’s on most everyone else’s minds, as Bonds moves closer to faking history.

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