SPORTS ILLUSTRASIAN

May 1st, 2007 | 0 comments | Posted by Jen

The Sports Round-up for Round-Eyes, Slant-Eyes, and Everyone In-Between

1. The WWNBA
Anyone who watches professional basketball and isn’t seeing-impaired knows that officiating has become too much a part of the game, making the league seem, at times, like the WWF or WWE or whatever you call a fake sport. Perhaps Karl Malone and Dennis Rodman were actually making a genius commentary on the sorry state of the NBA when they stepped into the ring a few years ago?

2. L.A. Fakers Superfan Shores Up Summer Vacation Plans
I worry about what Our Jack Nicholson, pictured courtside during Game 4 (with the Suns’ Shawn Marion), is going to do once the Lakers get eliminated in, oh, about 3 days. I’m sure David Stern will hand the Lakers Game 5 just to save face on this lackluster series. But what, then, Asian Jack? I like to picture her in the offseason on a bangin’ yacht cruising the French Riviera in a tasteful yellow-and-purple maillot, chugging Cristal out of the bottle.

3. One to Watch
Relief pitcher Hideki “A-OK” Okajima was instrumental in the Boston Red Sox taking 2 out of 3 against New York this past weekend. In A-OK’s last five appearances against the Yanks–all wins for Boston–he’s put up ridorkulous numbers: five innings, three hits, no runs, and seven strikeouts, holding Yankee batters, as the NYT noted, to a .167 average. WHAT?!? A-SCROD calls the Japanese reliever a “rally killer.”

4. The Steroidal Elephant in the Room
How to deal with Barry Bonds as he slouches toward Hank Aaron’s home-run record? As of today, Bonds has hit 742 career homers and is 13 shy of Aaron’s milestone. ESPN seems to have relegated Bonds’ chase to the crawl at the bottom of our screens and the briefest, most sober mentions of it on SportsCenter. Weirdly, I feel like Bonds’ home run pursuit is a metaphor for the Iraq War. It’s still going on, and it’s not going away, despite the fact that the majority of us are outraged by the whole damn thing.

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