JOHN MAYER: That’s funny, because you happen to look…
JESSICA SIMPSON: Don’t say it or I swat your nards again.
JOHN MAYER: You’re difficult.
JESSICA SIMPSON: Shut up — just look gaunt and boring. We need to fit in here.
JOHN MAYER: I don’t think those puppies are fitting in anywhere.
JESSICA SIMPSON: Stop talking about my puppies. The world loves these babies.
JOHN MAYER: If those puppies were in China, people would be hunting them down to kill them in a stray dog-reducing initiative.
JESSICA SIMPSON: I only understood 5 of those 15 words.
JOHN MAYER: I used 21 words, you fool.
JESSICA SIMPSON: God, my brain hurts. Do we have any head cream?
JOHN MAYER: I know I’ve got some! He he he.
JESSICA SIMPSON: Seriously, how do my tits look? Look at them. My body is a freaking wonderland.
JOHN MAYER: I don’t want to look at them anymore, you nit. Your glandy fat bags are ill.
JESSICA SIMPSON: Don’t mess with me. You’re in a hot celebrity couple. I am putting you on the A-List. You’re at the Costume Institute Gala, bitch! Do you think you would be here without my orangey ass?
JOHN MAYER: I am bored out of my skin. I think a peacock shat on my shoe. And you call this the A list? I’m sorry, Chris Klein and Rose McGowan doth not an A-List make.
JESSICA SIMPSON: You’re nothing without me.
JOHN MAYER: I’m ruined. They won’t even let me into the Viper Room anymore. Any douchebag with a guitar pick can get in there. I used to have soft-rock groupies. Where did all of my soft-rock groupies go?
JESSICA SIMPSON: People love me. People love my boobies.
JOHN MAYER: You’re frightening.
JESSICA SIMPSON: JUST WALK AND LOOK LIKE YOU ADORE ME, DAMMIT!!!
JOHN MAYER: [launches into an a capella rendition of "Your Body is a Wonderland"]
JESSICA SIMPSON: LOUDER, WITH FEELING!!!
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