Play Ball!

April 2nd, 2007 | 0 comments | Posted by Jen

Opening Day for Major League Baseball has arrived! Ah, fresh-cut grass. Ah, crackerjack. Ah, Johnny Damon’s ass. To celebrate the kickoff of the longest season in professional sports, I’ve drawn up a Scouting Report of players to watch in ’07.

1. Chien-Ming Wang, aka the Wonger

Born: March 31, 1980
Tainan, Taiwan
Height: 6-3
Weight: 225 lbs.
Pronounced: wong
(courtesy of

Even though the Wonger is a Yankee, I have to admit, I kinda like this guy. Mostly because he is singlehandedly getting the world to say my name right.

2. Daisuke Matsuzaka, aka Sir Dice-A-Lot

I like big butts and I can not lie/You other brothers can’t deny/That when a dude walks in with a fastball pace/And a round thing in your face/You get SPRUNG…

Is Sir Dice-A-Lot and his big booty worth $103 mil? Chowderheads across New England are placing all their broken-capillaried, lobster-eating money on this not-so-poor guy. Here’s hoping that the weight of Red Sox Nation’s expectations plus the Asian “Knives In” Self-Flagellation thang don’t make the Dice Man’s stuff…dicey.

3. Ichiro, aka Ichiro

Like Madonna, Ichiro only goes by one name, and he’s totally earned it. He has a .331 career BA and 6 Gold Gloves, one for each year he’s been in the majors. He even makes Dumbo-ears look cool. All the dipshits who harp on Ichiro hitting too many singles need to get on their knees and thank Jesus that this guy isn’t pumping himself stupid with Human Growth Hormone and ‘roids.

4. Takashi Saito, aka Game Over 2.0

I miss Eric “Game Over” Gagne. After all the injuries and surgeries, Gagne, only the ninth reliever in MLB history to win the Cy Young, is trying to stage a comeback with the Texas Rangers, which I can only liken to pitching in a ring of Dante’s Inferno. Good luck, Gagne. Saito, the current Dodgers closer, is 37 years old, and a former star in Japan. An old mule who’s still got legs, 2.0 clocked 24 saves for L.A. last year. Welcome to the Jungle, Saito!

5. Dave Roberts, aka Speedy Yoshida

Were it not for Roberts, a half-Japanese, all-moxie, base-stealing ninja, the Red Sox would have never come back against the Yanks in the 2004 ALCS and then won the World Series. Last year, Speedy stole a career-high 49 (what?!?) bases for San Diego, and is now batting lead-off for SF. I don’t even care that Roberts is going to pad Balco Barry’s stats by being his bitchin’est lead-off man ever.

(Barry BEFORE and AFTER, courtesy of

Well, okay, maybe I care a little. Cheaters SUCK.

But, whatever…Represent, AMAZIANS! Kick Ass and Take Names!

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