Hurtin’ Newton

April 18th, 2007 | 0 comments | Posted by Diana


BOB EVANS: Isn’t this great, guys? We should form a band.

BRETT RATNER: I can’t believe Sheila Nevins actually funded my Helmut Newton doc!

COURTNEY LOVE: If Helmut was still alive, I would have loved to pose nude for him.

BOB EVANS: We could be called, “The Plastic Surgery Victims,” or um, “The ScaryFaces.”

BRETT RATNER: I mean, I AM the genius behind Rush Hours 1 and 2… do you remember how Chris Tucker said, “I don’t understand…a word.. you are saying” to that funny Chinaman? That shit was me! All me.

BOB EVANS: I can’t even feel my own nose.

COURTNEY LOVE: Me neither.

BOB EVANS: Court, I don’t know if you know this, but your left cheek is falling off.

COURTNEY LOVE: That’s not true! That’s just paparazzi photos! They make you look worse than you are!

BOB EVANS: But I’m standing right next to you.

COURTNEY LOVE: Uh… Ehrm… Oh! I know… we should call ourselves “The Helmut Newtons.”

BOB EVANS: Brilliant! Brett, how on earth did you get Sheila to make this film? I’m not questioning your ability or anything, but you did ruin the X-Men movie empire, and that’s hard to do.

BRETT RATNER: Bryan Singer is a hack. He puts too much emotion and sense into his films. People loved X3. Everything blew up.

BOB EVANS: Is it true you wanted to change the name of the movie to “Brett Ratner’s X-Men Movie with Many Explosions?”

BRETT RATNER: It’s Brett Rat.

BOB EVANS: What’s that?

BRETT RATNER: Brett Rat.

BOB EVANS: …

COURTNEY LOVE: Do you have any coke, Rat?

BRETT RATNER: Courtney, I think your cheek is falling off. You should probably fix it before we screen my film.

COURTNEY LOVE: What film?

BRETT RATNER: My Helmut Newton doc.

COURTNEY LOVE: Whoa… They let you shoot a documentary?

BRETT RATNER: Wait. How did you get in here? Get her out of here. She wears fake Chanel.

BOB EVANS: Helmet Newton? Wait! I knew a Helmut Newton. What’s your name again?

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