Earth Schmearth

April 30th, 2007 | 0 comments | Posted by Diana


AP reports:

“The United States and China want to amend a major report by U.N.-sponsored climate researchers to play down its conclusion that quick, affordable action can limit the worst effects of global warming, according to documents reviewed Monday by The Associated Press.”

Two previous IPCC reports this year painted a dire picture of a future in which unabated greenhouse gas emissions could drive global temperatures up as much as 11 degrees by 2100, and said animal and plant life was already affected by warmer and rising seas, spreading drought and other effects”

“The 1997 Kyoto pact requires 35 European and other nations to reduce industrial, transportation and agricultural emissions of carbon dioxide and other warming gases by 5 percent below 1990 levels by 2012. Scientists believe emissions must be cut 50 percent or more within decades to avert drastic climate change.

President Bush rejected Kyoto’s mandatory cuts, contending they would hobble the U.S. economy. China and other poor developing countries were exempted.”

TRANSLATION:

UNITED STATES: What in Sam Hell is all this science shmience blarghity foo everyone keeps yappin’ about?

CHINA: We don’t want to make change.

European Union (AND EVERYBODY ELSE IN THE WORLD): Please! For the love of God! The world is crumbling before our very eyes!

UNITED STATES: China, this friggin’ conversation is makin’ my ears tired. It all sounds like friggin Chinese to me, no offense.

CHINA: We will agree with you on this one, oh fat-white-stupid country.

STEPHEN HAWKING (Via Satellite): DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THAT WE ARE DEALING WITH AN ENVIRONMENTAL CRISIS? THE END IS NEAR. WE ARE DEALING WITH THE END OF THE PLANET AS WE KNOW IT.

UNITED STATES: Aw shit, I think I left the goddamn Hummer running. How much longer is this going to take?

CHINA: We do not want to lose profit.

European Union (AND EVERYBODY ELSE IN THE WORLD): Please, just read the report! We know what we’re talking about.

UNITED STATES: Listen, I don’t know what kind of lab geeks made up this muddle puddle. This report looks like the war in Iran. I mean, Irag. I mean, Iraq. What the hell do science peoples know? How much is this gonna cost?

European Union (AND EVERYBODY ELSE IN THE WORLD): Hundreds. Hundreds of Scientists have contributed to the research of this report.

UNITED STATES: I’ll be honest with ya, I like the smell of burnin’ fossil fuel in the morning. Now git the hell out of my face before I sic a war on you or somethin’!!!

-END TRANSLATION-

*Bonus* fun: Count down with the Doomsday Clock here. Apocolypse now!

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