You are currently browsing the archives for April, 2007

I Feel Inadequate

This guy rules!!

I can already hear my parents:

“You say Neil Peart is great drummer of all time? Why you not be more like that nice Chinese Man who play drums on keyboard!? Why didn’t you practice harder for your piano lessons?!?!! Piano lessons are rock and roll.”

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Earth Schmearth


AP reports:

“The United States and China want to amend a major report by U.N.-sponsored climate researchers to play down its conclusion that quick, affordable action can limit the worst effects of global warming, according to documents reviewed Monday by The Associated Press.”

Two previous IPCC reports this year painted a dire picture of a future in which unabated greenhouse gas emissions could drive global temperatures up as much as 11 degrees by 2100, and said animal and plant life was already affected by warmer and rising seas, spreading drought and other effects”

“The 1997 Kyoto pact requires 35 European and other nations to reduce industrial, transportation and agricultural emissions of carbon dioxide and other warming gases by 5 percent below 1990 levels by 2012. Scientists believe emissions must be cut 50 percent or more within decades to avert drastic climate change.

President Bush rejected Kyoto’s mandatory cuts, contending they would hobble the U.S. economy. China and other poor developing countries were exempted.”

TRANSLATION:

UNITED STATES: What in Sam Hell is all this science shmience blarghity foo everyone keeps yappin’ about?

CHINA: We don’t want to make change.

European Union (AND EVERYBODY ELSE IN THE WORLD): Please! For the love of God! The world is crumbling before our very eyes!

UNITED STATES: China, this friggin’ conversation is makin’ my ears tired. It all sounds like friggin Chinese to me, no offense.

CHINA: We will agree with you on this one, oh fat-white-stupid country.

STEPHEN HAWKING (Via Satellite): DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THAT WE ARE DEALING WITH AN ENVIRONMENTAL CRISIS? THE END IS NEAR. WE ARE DEALING WITH THE END OF THE PLANET AS WE KNOW IT.

UNITED STATES: Aw shit, I think I left the goddamn Hummer running. How much longer is this going to take?

CHINA: We do not want to lose profit.

European Union (AND EVERYBODY ELSE IN THE WORLD): Please, just read the report! We know what we’re talking about.

UNITED STATES: Listen, I don’t know what kind of lab geeks made up this muddle puddle. This report looks like the war in Iran. I mean, Irag. I mean, Iraq. What the hell do science peoples know? How much is this gonna cost?

European Union (AND EVERYBODY ELSE IN THE WORLD): Hundreds. Hundreds of Scientists have contributed to the research of this report.

UNITED STATES: I’ll be honest with ya, I like the smell of burnin’ fossil fuel in the morning. Now git the hell out of my face before I sic a war on you or somethin’!!!

-END TRANSLATION-

*Bonus* fun: Count down with the Doomsday Clock here. Apocolypse now!

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Hello Courtney

As you may have heard already, Courtney Love is auctioning off a bunch of Kurt Cobain’s stuff because she hates flannel. Or needs the cashish. All I want to know is…
…are the Hello Kitty guitars going, too? Because Diana and I could REALLY SHRED with those beauties.

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They’re So Excited, and They Just Can’t Hide It

The town of Sanya was just named the first stop on the Olympic torch relay. The announcement sent the southern Chinese city into mass celebration.



“I’m so excited, and I just can’t hide it. I’m about to lose control and…put a sticker on my face, oh yeah. I’m so excited…”

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Of Course We Came Up With Something Like This

The AP reports today, “New toys read brain waves”

Several Silicon Valley companies are coming up with new video games that will read brain waves and reward FOCUS and CONCENTRATION.

DORK GEAR


“Most physical games are really mental games,” said (Koo Hyuong) Lee, also chief technology officer at San Jose-based NeuroSky, a 12-employee company founded in 1999. “You must maintain attention at very high levels to succeed…”

It fulfills the fantasy of telekinesis,” said Tan Le, co-founder and president of San Francisco-based Emotiv.

Kids who play the race car video game “Gran Turismo” with the SmartBrain system can only reach maximum speed when they’re focused. If attention wanes or players become impulsive or anxious, cars slow to a chug.

So, let me get this straight. This is a game? Cuz it kinda sounds like having your Asian Mom in one ear lecturing you about getting straight A’s and your Asian Dad in the other talking about quantum mechanics while you’re trying to take a 4:20 bong hit. Yeah, that sounds like fun. Sign me up.

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Sweep!

The Miami Heat proved Sunday that they could not run with the Chicago Bulls, getting swept in the series. It was the first time in 50 years that a defending champ got eliminated in the first round of playoffs.

I’ve just got a few words to say to DISGRASIAN Hall-of-Famer Shaquille O’Neal.

You old. You ugly. You done.

Oh, and CHING CHONG CHING CHONG CHING CHONG muthafucka!

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Save the Flowers!!!

Reuters reports:
There is only one thing to say (multiple times):

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!

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AMAZIAN(s) OF THE WEEK!


Name: Eley Kishimoto [Mark Eley and Wakako Kishimoto]

Age: 19 (Estab. 1992)

Occupation: Fashion duo

Known for: rainwear, being married, bright patterns and prints, making people look modern and fashionable–one wacky textile at a time.

The new collection is up: eleykishimoto.com. Woohoo!


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Exile on Overrated St.

Friday night at Coachella was a bit of a bust. Sonic Youth had just flown in from China and played such tinny, jetlagged versions of “Candle” and “100%” that I actually began to think that they were too old to rock. Blasphemy, I know. The same could have been said for me and my sweaty ass, as I fell asleep during Interpoo and found myself fending off waifs half my age who were trying the entire night–in vain–to buy my beer bracelet off me. Most of these indie-rock chicks were decked out in the latest Ukrainian Hooker Couture, an example of which I found on the very funny carpetblog.


Bjork closed out the night with songs from her forthcoming album, Volta. I considered revoking her Honorasian status after that funereal, horn-heavy dirge-a-thon, but walked out instead along with the rest of the bjummed-out, red-ankled crowd.

The best performance came from The Jesus and Mary Chain, who reunited for the desert festival. They looked like accountants on casual Friday, but they were tight.

Scarlett Jugshansson joined lead singer Jim Reid for “Just Like Honey,” that Prozacian anthem forever marred by that pointless Sofia Coppola movie. I can say with certainty that Jugs was the prettiest Ukrainian Hooker of them all.

Speaking of working girls, Amy Winehouse played before sunset in probably the most-anticipated Friday show. Her throwback voice is quite powerful, and I love the fact that she seems to have stepped right out of a Diane Arbus photograph. But when she busted out Lauryn Hill’s “Doo Wop (That Thang),” and all the shirtless white folk around me started bobbing their heads like they were at a Phish concert,

I did something I haven’t done in about 17 years. I began to pray:

Our Lauryn, who art in Jersey, hallowed be thy dopeness. Thy new album come, thy record sales be done, on earth as it is on the Billboard charts. Give this white girl this day a can of whoop-ass, and forgive her her trespasses, as we forgive her trespasses against us. And lead us not into temptation, but deliver us from this blue-eyed soul hooey. For thine is the real real, the power, and the glory. White people singing R&B and being held to a much lower standard are tired, forever and ever, amen.

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I Am Seriously At a Loss for Words

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The Rice Girls

Taiwanese boy band F4 has changed its name to JVKV, because of a dispute with a Japanese publisher. Their new band name is an acronym of their English first names–Jerry, Vic, Ken, and Vanness.

Jerry: Dude. No, like, dude. I…duuuuude.

Vic: Yep, you guessed it. I’m the gay one.

Ken: I suffer from manorexia, cutting, and an insatiable passion for boatneck tees.

Vanness: My friends call me Vanessa. I can’t wait to make enough coin to buy some teats and start a girl band! Is the name Rice Girls taken? Teeheehee! I like to giggle, don’t you? Text me with your dreams and wishes!

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THE INSANITY BAROMETER

Here’s what I imagine the Duffster was thinking leaving her house this morning: “Geisha-pale makeup? Check. Olsen Twin Hefty-bag cardigan? Check. Bed pillow? Check. Okay, I’m, like, totally ready. Let’s hit the Bev Center!”

Insanity Barometer, goin’ up!

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