The NBA Bans Kobe Beef

March 8th, 2007 | 0 comments | Posted by Jen

LA Laker Kobe “Beef Boy” Bryant served a one-game suspension last night for bitch-slapping former Clipper Marko Jaric during a game on Tuesday against the T-Wolves. This was the second suspension for Beef Boy this year. The first came after a January incident where Kobe also bitch-slapped the Spurs’ Manu Ginobili:

Kobe, you do know the provenance of your name, don’t you? You understand that you are named after KOBE BEEF, the most delicious and expensive beef on the planet, beef that hails from Japan, from cows who are massaged and FED BEER?!?

Why, then, do you choose to disgrace this namesake:

OH ALRIGHT. I admit, Kobe has an extremely tenuous connection to what we do here, but I’ve wanted to write this letter for a long time, so please humor me:

Dear Beef Boy,

At one point in your illustrious 10-year career, I might have said “You’re better than this.” But that was then, and this is now. Ever ask yourself why you are the best basketball player in the game AND YET the most reviled?

Allow me to introduce a TIMELINE of your long journey south to Hatersville:

1996 – You take Brandy to prom. BRANDY.
1998 – You become, at 19, the youngest player to start an All-Star game. But you piss off your idol Michael Jordan and veteran Karl Malone in the process with your showboating. Why? Cuz they don’t get the youth of today. Geezers! Haters!
2000 – You release a hip-hop album entitled “K.O.B.E.”
That same year, the Portland Trailblazers have a 4th quarter, Act of God-level meltdown in the waning minutes of game 7 of the Western Conference Finals (from which I’ve never recovered), sending you and Ching-Chong O’Neal into the NBA Finals, where you take the Pacers in 6. How do you say CHAMPIONSHIP in Italian?
2001 – You marry Vanessa Laine, who is barely 18. Her engagement rock weighs 7 carats and is estimated to be worth $100,000.
Your parents don’t show at your wedding.
None of this matters because the Lakers REPEAT and win the NBA Finals again.
2002 – You win MVP at the All-Star game in your hometown of Philadelphia. Every time you touch the ball, everyone boos. WHY? you wonder, brought to tears in the post-game press conference.
Philly, you conclude, is full of cheesesteaks and, of course, Haters. F- Philly! F- cheesesteaks!
And then, in June, the Lakers…THREE-PEAT! It’s all going according to plan.
2003 – Or is it? Not long after the birth of your first child, you go to Colorado to get a little knee surgery and you wind up getting rung up on RAPE charges. Ruh-roh.
You drop $4 mil on a bigger rock for Vanessa. All is clearly forgiven:

2004 – But enough about RAPE, you’re going to ANOTHER NBA FINALS! Against the lowly, no-name, defense-minded Detroit Pistons. Does Pat Riley have a trademark on FOUR-PEAT, you wonder?
Alas, Pistons take you in 5. A guy named CHAUNCEY wins the MVP award. Chauncey. Strangely enough, people don’t hate Chauncey like they do, uh, never mind.
Then ~~you drive Shaq out of town~~ Shaq leaves the Lakers for the Miami Heat. Shaq calls you a “clown.” Oh yeah? Well, you know what you are, Shaq? A Big, Fat, Hateful, Fat (did I say this already?) Hater!
Then ~~you drive Coach Phil Jackson out of town~~ Coach Jackson takes time off to fish in Montana. In his memoir, the Zen Master calls you “uncoachable.”
The upshot? Rape charges dismissed. Glad we got that out of the way! Back to b-ball!
2005 – The Lakers miss the playoffs for the first time in 10 years. “It’s not me, it’s them,” you say over and over again, in the mirror.
Phil Jackson returns to the Lakers. Apparently, $10 million a year makes anyone coachable.
2007 – You win the All-Star MVP again. This time no one boos you. The Neilsen ratings for the game hit an all-time low. No one boos because no one cares.