Costumed in police attire this week, “martial arts star” Jackie Chan announced that he will star in a new recruitment campaign for the LAPD.
At the press conference he added, “I’m the police ambassador in Taiwan, Japan, Hong Kong, China, everywhere.”
Jackie, in the mid-seventies, when every single one of my siblings, relatives, and immigrant Vietnamese friends crossed over the Pacific to become war refugees in the United States, shit was BAD. Every kid on the block–regardless of class or color–wanted to kick some little Charlie ass. And in the face of danger, only one thing stood between every single Vietnamese Kid and about 300 knuckle sandwiches. Do you know what that thing was?
All you had to say was that you knew Bruce Lee, and by golly, Fat Tommy or Billy the Killer would for some reason believe you and leave you alive for another day.
Bruce Lee had the grace of a gazelle, the fire of a dragon, the soul of a Buddha. He only laughed after he’d ripped your heart out with his left hand. Bruce Lee was a fearsome, wonderful hero and everybody knew it. Bruce Lee was an ambassador.
You, however, refuse to practice kickflips without slapping an embarassingly dippy grin across your face. You allow Chris Tucker to make YOU look like the babbling idiot in those Rush Hour movies, and oh, you’ve somehow managed to aid Brett Ratner in becoming one of the most successful “directors” in Hollywood.
Please, please omit “everywhere” from your list of destinations as Ambassador of anything. I don’t think I can defend myself against Fat Tommy yet.
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