You are currently browsing the archives for March, 2007

Mummy Lee

Conversation between director Rob Cohen and actor Jet Li re: production of the upcoming blockbuster, The Mummy 3:

ROB COHEN: So you’ll do it then? You’ll play the villain in The Mummy 3?

JET LI: Explain to me again what this has to do with Pyramids.

ROB COHEN: Terra Cotta Warriors, dude. There are all kinds of the walking dead. It’s mysterious. It’s Mummy.

JET LI: Is Brendan Fraser in it? Is Rachel Weisz in it?

ROB COHEN: Um, I, I mean, probably man. Anyway, think of the moves you can use! You’re the undead! You’re like the kung-freakin-fu undead!

JET LI: I vowed never to do another action movie.

ROB COHEN: This isn’t action, man… it’s FACTION. These are facts we’re dealing with.

JET LI: I don’t think you used the word “faction” correctly.

ROB COHEN: Buddy, I know all about post World War 1 China.

JET LI: How?

ROB COHEN: Jet, I directed The Fast and the Furious. I’m down with the Ornamentals, if ya know what I mean.

JET LI: What do you know about my people?

ROB COHEN: What do you know about my people?

JET LI: Good point.

ROB COHEN: Do you like money? Do you like girls? Do you like action? Why would you vow against action?

JET LI: You’re right. I love money.

ROB COHEN: We all do.

JET LI: It smells good.

ROB COHEN: So you’ll do it then?

JET LI: But what do I have to do with the Pyramids?

ROB COHEN: Nothing.

JET LI: I’m in. Call my agent.


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Just Sad.

So pathetic and irrelevant. Not sure what else to say about this.


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Survival of the Asianest

Any of you remember Yul Kwon, winner of last season’s Survivor: Cook Islands (the “race” show)? He went to Stanford, got a law degree from Yale, and so dominated the game both physically and mentally that he was voted an almost unanimous winner by fellow contestants. AMAZIAN.

Early in the game, Yul was banished to “Exile” Island, where he found the much sought-after Immunity Idol, which protected him from eliminasian and ultimately helped him to win. Determined not to let an Asian Mastermind take over the show again this season, Survivor producers have cast a pushover named Mookie, a couple of frivolous chicks that I seriously can’t tell apart yet, and Yau Man, a computer engineer-patsy:

Yau Man is your classic 98-lb weakling, with buckteeth and a sketchy command of English. I am 100% sure he tried to smuggle a pocket-protector on the island as a luxury item, the way other people bring in floss and chapstick. The other contestants make fun of him because he’s puny and old and because his name is “Yau Man.” He’s constantly, to use Survivor vernacular, on the chopping block. He’s set-up to be a total Disgrasian, only…

…guess who found the Immunity Idol last night, bitches?

Suck it, Haters!


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Could It Be True?

President George Washington is reportedly STILL ALIVE. If these reports are substantiated, the Father of Our Country would be 275 years old, making him the oldest man and the oldest living ex-president. His current whereabouts are unknown, but here he is accepting a chinky-ass scroll from a pretty lady some time in the last 24 hours:


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Gruel and Forty Lashes for Mikuko

“Of course Mikuko put this matchy-matchy outfit together for me. Don’t even ask me where my necktie went. I told her explicitly to put one out for me but that little bitch “forgot,” as per uze. If I’ve told her once, I’ve told her a million times, ties make me look edgy and dope. She’s eating gruel for the next two weeks–I will not be made a fool–and forty lashes when I get home. Maybe it’s time to let little Kingston try his hand at the whip. Ah, they grow up so fast, don’t they? I’m going to need 500 Restylane shots in my ass and a coffee enema to get me out of this morning funk. Why why are slaves so ungrateful?”


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Sumo Wrestlers Love Rugby

Rugby fans convened in Hong Kong this week for the Sevens rugby tournament. A few notable sumo wrestlers took time out of their oily schedules to attend:

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Pax Thien Kidnapping Plot Foiled!

“Jolie’s security team learned of a plot to abduct the 3-year-old Vietnamese boy as the actress made plans to return to America on March 19, according to the new issue of Life & Style magazine.

An insider close to the couple’s security team tells the publication that Pitt and Jolie’s publicists are playing down the threat, but reveals the kidnap plot was credible and meticulously planned by a deadly gang.”

I’ll tell you who planned all this. One of the world’s deadliest gangs:

It’s not about the money. They just want their Homey back, Jolie-Pitts!

Source: AFP

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Jessica Alba: Suzuki Kid

Here’s a pic taken from the set of the remake of Hong Kong horror-flick The Eye, about a blind woman who gets a corneal transplant from a dead guy and starts seeing crazy shit:

I don’t know about you, but her violin-playing looks SO SCARY REAL to me.


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No Shit-News Roundup

“Babies learn from adults’ emotional behavior”

“Stick-thin models make women of all sizes feel bad about their bodies”

“Here’s why some people are attractive and others aren’t”

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Gong Li Wears Fur, Activists Get Panties in a Wad

“During this month’s annual session of China’s parliament, Gong put forward a proposal to clean up the environment in her role as a delegate to the Chinese People’s Political Consultative Conference (CPPCC).

But the state-run media has splashed photos of the star of “Memoirs of a Geisha” wearing a fur over her shoulders during the two-week meeting, resulting in angry cries for her removal from the political body…

In a poll run by the Beijing Youth Daily’s website…(a)bout 15 percent said that Gong was shameless to wear a fur while speaking out for environmental causes, while six percent said the actress ‘should be punished’.”

It’s somehow comforting to know that the PETA-crazies are the same wherever you go, kind of like a McDonald’s cheeseburger in Beijing or a Venti Latte in Tokyo. Score another one for Globalism!

Source: AFP

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Smashing Pumpkins to Reunite!

Reuters reports today, “The reunited Smashing Pumpkins will end their six-and-a-half year hiatus on May 22 when they play a theater show in Paris, the first date of a tour of European festivals”


Source: Rolling Stone

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The Insanity Barometer

A couple weeks ago, we posted a picture of Lucy Liu looking crazy-as-balls, exercising with an imaginary jump rope:

But this picture of Luce, taken yesterday on location, looks a lot less cuckoo:

Good job. Insanity Barometer going way down.

And what is that law of physics, for every action, there is an equal and opposite reaction? Pictured here is MTV’s Vanessa Minnillo:

Insanity Barometer, goin’ up!

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